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post on my column last month echoed a very common feeling: “I am dating a man I just met 3 months ago and don't want to mess it up. I feel my insecurities could.” Did you know that most new relationships only last three to six months? Insecurity isn’t the only cause for demise, but it does contribute far too often.

Insecurities stem from fear. Most commonly fear of abandonment, rejection, failure, intimacy, change, commitment, or even fear of success. Fear is a very real emotion; but it creates thoughts that are not necessarily reality. Thus your imagination can become your enemy when it comes to relationships.

Neuroscientists have learned that your brain responds exactly the same way whether you actually do something, or just visualize doing it. So when you let your imagination run wild, be warned it can really obscure your truth.

You probably already know you’re not supposed to fantasize about the wedding as soon as you meet a great guy. That’s because it accelerates your feelings and makes you feel closer to him than you actually are. The balance is thrown off. Then you expect unrealistic things. What’s more, you loosen your boundaries before trust is earned and frequently overlook what should be deal-breaking red flags. You set yourself up for heartbreak.

But the most destructive way your imagination gets in your way is when you try to read into your man’s behavior. How many times have you freaked out because of some imaginary scenario you’re playing out in your head? He didn’t call so you think he doesn’t care about you, and/or he’s doing something he shouldn’t. So you smother him or make accusations. Then he feels blindsided and thinks you’re crazy (or high maintenance). In reality he was just busy living his life; like you should be doing instead of obsessing over him.

You have to live in the present. Put your attention on what is immediately in front of you and take it at face value. Don’t make everything personal and assume it’s about you. It’s usually not (and that’s ok). Don’t rush things. If you had a nice date and he asked to see you again then leave it at that. Don’t worry about what he’s doing in the meantime. He’s probably deciding he likes you. Women feel their feelings in the moment. But men have to go away and be alone to feel their feelings. Giving him that space is good for you.

When you catch yourself getting all worked up and wanting to confront something you think is going on with your man…stop! Ask yourself what the facts are. Only respond to what is actually going on, not what you think (or fear) is happening. Don’t confuse a pre-programmed response to your own baggage for an instinct. You have to know yourself. Are you highly jealous? Do you hate to be alone? Need a lot of attention?

When you succumb to your fears by taking insecure action, the result is usually what you fear most. You push him away. But if you choose to face your fears and accept responsibility for them, you’ll be empowered. And you can make your relationship better. Next time I’ll tell you how to enforce healthy boundaries. Strong boundaries will help you know when to trust your instincts. And in the meantime, do something nice for yourself. Like try on a new pair of shoes!